I have a tremendous amount of love and support in my life - MetaFilter

Okay, that was actually awesome. It had plenty of judgement going on, but it wasn't out-and-out attack, and took the answers given at face value rather than arguing against them.

I'm surprised and pleased to see something like this. Thanks for posting!
posted by hippybear at 9:18 AM on December 26

Not my cup of tea. That said, I had known couples like that many many years ago. It worked for them and so good for them. If it works for you, god bless. Why judge others?
posted by Postroad at 10:10 AM on December 26 Really nice little report, thanks for posting it. The reactions of the kids were especially interesting, and reassuring. But they didn't raise two questions which, for me at least, help to understand much better how polyamorous relationships work: 1. Does your partner have to be aware of the liaisons you have with others? 2. Do you sometimes start up relationships with people who are not polyamorous themselves?

I think for most polyamorous couples the answers are yes, and no, respectively. And when I understood that from my polyamorous friends, I got it.
posted by creeky at 10:23 AM on December 26 [1 favorite]

Once upon a time, I was in a poly relationship. My gf and I had started out monogamous, and I was happy with that, but she had done the poly thing before and preferred it... and after about a year of us being together, she voiced a desire to have an open relationship. I was not interested and held my ground against it for a long time, but after about a year I decided she wasn't going to leave me for anyone else (and if she did... well, I rationalized a lot). I relented. She started seeing someone else. There were many bumps, but it was fine for several years. It was several years before I started seeing someone else, too. When we split... well, we wanted very different things out of life well apart from the open relationship issue, and I'd rate polyamory very low on the list of reasons why we broke up.

The thing you have to consider, going into an open relationship, is that sooner or later events will turn so that both partners really, genuinely need you and you cannot be in two places at once. It sucks. It really does.

Open relationships work out until they don't. Just like monogamous relationships. I have no interest at all in going back to the "open" status--I'm very happy with the monogamous relationship I have now, thank you--but it does indeed work out for some.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 10:42 AM on December 26

And when I understood that from my polyamorous friends, I got it.

not sure why those particular answers helped you get it. while many couples feel on some level that their relationship has to fit in to some broader definition to be considered legitimate, once a couple is open to polyamory they're more likely to realize that the terms of the relationship are entirely customizable for those involved. so the particular answers seem less relevant than the point that the couples get to negotiate them entirely at their own discretion.
posted by fallacy of the beard at 10:45 AM on December 26 [1 favorite]

From my experience in and around open relationships, the ONLY factor that I would consider essential for any relationship, polyamorous or otherwise to be "legitimate" is that the partners communicate clearly to each other what their expectations are. Sadly, I see so many relationships, open or otherwise, where I hear one partner say, "Well, I ASSUME that this is okay. We haven't really talked about it at all. I don't want to rock the boat by bringing it up."
posted by WaylandSmith at 11:27 AM on December 26 [2 favorites]

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